emerging.
or trying to anyway. Still feeling...how can I explain this...stunned. I feel like we have been in a long screeeeech (the kind you would feel if you slammed on the brakes and your car was screeeching toward a crash) for so many months. And then we crashed. i'm still in disbelief that we crashed.
we really crashed. the screech was long and during the screech I was busy looking in all directions for a way to avoid the crash. at times frantically looking from side to side. looking to see who needed me. again looking to see if there was a way to swerve and miss what we saw coming. hoping against hope and taking stock in anything I could control. all during the screech.
and then we crashed. and I am stunned. and there are times when I wake up in the middle of the night and have to relive the crash because I'm so stunned that I can't really believe that it all happened. There are times when I have to retell the whole story to myself...the diagnosis. the treatment. the relapse. the treatment. the relapse. It just can't be true. There are times I am still completely shocked to think of Glenn as having cancer. It's been 2 and a half years since diagnosis, but I still see him as so healthy, so strong, my rock. That's the best I can explain it. And I haven't written about any of it because I am so. stunned. and so busy with the unimportant yet important duties of paperwork, financial decisions, and looking around to be sure I have my clothes on...
We are okay. The children are doing remarkably well. Sam just got an excellent report card and a part in the school play. Chase is doing well in school and is still stumping me with details of science, engineering and just might surpass my IQ any day now. Colby continues to make us laugh and is getting excited for christmas even though Chase worries that Colby will REALLY get coal in his stocking. Chase worries so much about Colby getting coal in his stocking that he is asking Santa for a few things in his stocking for Colby as "insurance." He's not going to tell Santa that they are for Colby, that way if Colby gets coal, Chase has a backup plan. He devised the whole thing himself. And, really, I couldn't be more proud. Talk about brotherly love.
On thanksgiving we received some "sunshine in a box" I'll call it from some very special friends. We spent the morning taking turns opening up letters that came with donations to the Pay it forward fund. Letters that spoke of how our family has inspired others. Letters that spoke of Glenn's relationship to people all over the country- and how his life made a difference. There was a box of special items that came from friends- hand picked for each child and included some NY GIANTS ornaments for this year's tree. What a perfectly imperfect way to spend our first thanksgiving without Glenn. We were surrounded by love from all of you. I couldn't ask for a better way to teach my children what this holiday means.
Thank you. Thank you.
much love--
Amy
P.S. The kitchen flood that happened the week before Glenn passed away is being repaired this month. The good news is that insurance is going to cover the repairs. The bad (really bad) news is that we have to be without the first floor of our house from now until Dec. 24th. We are going to attempt to stay upstairs for the next week- but will be staying at my mom's if that plan backfires and while the sanding of the floors is done. I will have access to a computer. And of course my phone. I am sort of spinning in details of the repairs, details of exactly how they are going to box up my entire first floor including the walls and put it all back and the details of figuring out how to pull myself out from under this mound of paperwork. (that's my excuse for not answering the many phone calls and starting the 1000 thank you notes I owe) Enjoy the moments!
Posts
10 comments:
My Dearest Friend,
Even though I talk to you and the kids and see you often, I still check the blog...there must be so many different factions to being part of Team Gleason...isn't it strange that even though I talk to you and see you, I still soak up your written words and long for them when you haven't written in a few days. Very selfish of me, I suppose...but that's me:-) What you wrote this morning is probably the best, most soulful description of everything that I've read. To a much lesser degree, that is how I guess I felt through all of this without being able to put it into words.
So many times, I find myself going back a couple of months to either being with you in Philadelphia, or in WC with the kids or in the hospital with Glenn, and those images are so real that it doesn't really feel as though I'm imagining it. One of my most vivid memories is the day you and Glenn were leaving for the hospital. I stood on the top step in the garage, and as much as my mind wanted my heart to stop "taking mind pictures" of the scene for future, my heart couldn't stop it from happening. So, I can still see Glenn carrying Colby around to the other side of the car to say goodbye to Chase; Colby's sweet little face was buried in Glenn's neck...breathing in "Glenn", I guess...and then Sam standing on the step in the garage, Glenn pulling her so close, and when he turned to walk away, he realised one hug wasn't going to be enough for her, so he turned, knelt down in front of her, wrapped his arms around her, and hugged her again. I want that moment and so many others back again for you guys...I don't want it to be that your heart and mind have to be bothered with "unimportant but important" things that you have to be concerned about...even for a couple of weeks...
I am so grateful, proud and lucky to have had the opportunity to know such a magnificent person and to have been loved and considered a friend by Glenn. People often say that we are lucky in life to have one true friend...and yet I have so blessed to know and love you, Chase, Sam, Colby (and Skyler, of course), your beautiful parents, brothers' families, your friends...
So much love to you, Samantha, Chase and Colby. Tell Chase I love his coal story...you and Glenn have raised children with such heart and compassion.
-Victoria (as in "queen":-)
-VvL
THE ONLY WAY TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE IS TO WALK THROUGH.WRITE ON AMY...YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION
Dearest Amy,
My heart continues to weep for you and the kids. I feel your heartache through your writing and you are so profound when you write. I can't even imagine what you are going through during this difficult time. You continue to express yourself in such a deep and sensitive way that just takes our breathe away and brings tears to our eyes.
We will continue to support you during these difficult times and share stories about Glenn and all is kindness, humor, intelligence and just plain sillyness. I have such wonderful memories of our times with all of you. I think about last Christmas and us talking on the phone and how you all decided to come over in your PJ's and Glenn in his Giants' PJ'S and how much fun we had just sitting around the kitchen laughing and feeling so blessed to be with such wonderful, loving friends.
We love you all and will always be here for you to help in any small way. Tell Chase that he is the best "BIG BROTHER" Colby could ever have. Love that story.
Lot of Love and Hugs,
The Camplis
a type - erase - night for me. vvl moved me to tears. - Hugs to each of you tonight. - Linda
Wow! Stunned. Beyond words for the raw emotion that you continue to let us see a glimpse of. What an authentic and truly special person you are to share so much of what you are living.
Please know that even though we have moved on to a new chapter, we are still here loving you all and lifting you up. You continue to touch us and even if you posted nothing (which would be torture - selfish as I agree with vvl) you would be in our thoughts and prayers and be showered with love!
xoxoxoxo
I agree with all the above. You are amazing. Your kids have hearts of gold. I can imagine Glenn up in heaven smiling those proud dad smiles. May those warm memories and good times warm your weary body and soul. Love and Cheery wishes during this Christmas Season. So many are in awe of your spirit and willingness to share the deepest of feelings. Love, Kira
Amy,
We can understand your journey so much more because of your incredibly vivid accounts of describing your emotions. "The screech", "the crash" describe so well the feeling of moving forward through something when you have no control over the course you're taking, nor can you stop it. You have such a gift. Thank you for sharing even when it is so painful.
I think you should be exempt from sending the thank yous. Seriously!! You have given us more than we have given you. Thank you!
Hope you can spend much time with your Christmas traditions!
The Belks
Amy,
Wow, your ability to express in words is out of this world! You are an inspiration and continue to amaze us. Our thoughts have been with you and we continue to check the blog, to feel, make sure you & the kids are doing okay and to absorb your words and wisdom. Sending best wishes and cheery thoughts your way for the Holiday Season and hope to speak to you soon.
Love,
Kuntal & Pat
Amy,
Thank you for sharing - You are an amazing writer and woman. I too soak up your words and wish that I could share some words to help you through this time. I hope that Team Gleason can be your crash pad - we are all here ready to help.
Love you,
Dawn
Hi Amy- Christine (val's friend). I read your blog everyday. Hang on Amy -- just when you think you are at the end of your rope GOd seems to send in another 5 feet. You have so much love surrounding you. It is the light that is shining at the end of this long, challenging tunnel. Much peace and love to you and your amazing family.
Post a Comment